I am Maria Heinegg and these are inner workings of my half-hashed mind brought to you by the World Wide Webbing. I am a comedian as well as write for the Huffington Post Comedy Blog, ICanHasCheezburger.com and TheImpersonals.com. In addition, I try to optimize my mutual needs to cry yet maintain social acceptance by doing it in the middle of the night when I'm alone or, at the very least, on the weekends. It's a work in progress. Bon appetit.
The content on this blog is not mine unless otherwise stated, all rights belong to the respected owners.
It says “Do Not Swallow” on the back of my nail polish remover. Good call. That’s excellent advice. I won’t drink the liquid that is so potent it’s used to cut through chemical paint I put on my finger nails, but I didn’t know not to imbibe it, so thank you. Following that logic, we can teach people how to read but we can’t teach them how to not be idiots. Who else is concerned here?
Honestly, this is getting ridiculous. Explaining everything is now considered to be for safety and providing a million disclaimers is necessary for not getting sued.
Here’s this knife, use it to cut food and food only. And make sure you’re only cutting food that’s yours and that the food isn’t rotten. Make sure you cut the food with the pointy end. Do not use it to stab yourself directly in the cornea. Do not juggle with it. Do not throw it at small children. Keep it in a drawer. In the kitchen. With the other utensils. Wash it after you use it, not with blood. Use soap. Soap for washing dishes.
We need directions for everything. We are basically helpless.
I bought a pair of compression shorts the other day. The label had directions on it. ”Wear over the legs.”
You’re shitting me.
"Oh my god, thank you so much. I was sitting here thinking, "I have these new shorts and I am SO excited to wear them but I don’t know how. With out these directions, I would still be bottomless and confused…. And non-compressed.